I was thinking about Jacob and how he wrestled with God (Genesis 32:24-32). “I won’t let you go until you bless me,” he cried as he wrestled all night long with the angel of the Lord. I think of it as my cry too, as I wrestled with God for years begging for a child. He gave us a promise many years back – maybe 2001 – that we would have a son and his name would be Jacob.
He was born in 2011, when I was about to throw all my energy into one last cycle of IVF. I gave up work to rid myself of all stress, I exercised regularly, ate a healthy low GI diet and I prayed,… a lot. As I prayed and waited and prayed and waited for the first day of bleeding of my menstrual cycle so that I could begin IVF drugs, it occurred to me that maybe I should do a home pregnancy test. Just in case.
Now, as a veteran PCOS-sufferer of 25+ years and someone trying to conceive since 1997, I have done a thousand wishful pregnancy tests over the years. At one stage it was a very bad habit and a shameful one because women with PCOS have irregular cycles by default. Auntie Flow is ALWAYS running late.
So I did a ‘just in case’ home pregnancy test, rather than an ‘addictive’ one. I saw the feintest blue line I have ever seen. It was barely there on the positive side. I weed on another stick just to be sure. Yep. Another feint blue line. After all those years, these were the first positive pregnancy tests I had ever held in my hand. I was crying.
I sent my husband a cryptic SMS. I rang my IVF clinic. Within a few hours I was on progesterone support and a tiny life was being cradled in the arms of God. Ten years after the promise.
When people look at me now, they see a mum of two gorgeous kids,… but there’s a place in my heart that knows the awful pain of barrenness. It’s the place where I wrestled with God and it’s why I, too, have a limp. It’s the place where God struck me because I just wouldn’t let go of Him.
Jacob became angry with Rachel and said, “I can’t take the place of God. He is the one who keeps you from having children.”