Jacob's hip was broken when he wrestled with God
Where are you broken?

I was thinking about Jacob and how he wrestled with God (Genesis 32:24-32). “I won’t let you go until you bless me,” he cried as he wrestled all night long with the angel of the Lord. I think of it as my cry too, as I wrestled with God for years begging for a child. He gave us a promise many years back – maybe 2001 – that we would have a son and his name would be Jacob.

He was born in 2011, when I was about to throw all my energy into one last cycle of IVF. I gave up work to rid myself of all stress, I exercised regularly, ate a healthy low GI diet and I prayed,… a lot. As I prayed and waited and prayed and waited for the first day of bleeding of my menstrual cycle so that I could begin IVF drugs, it occurred to me that maybe I should do a home pregnancy test. Just in case.

Now, as a veteran PCOS-sufferer of 25+ years and someone trying to conceive since 1997, I have done a thousand wishful pregnancy tests over the years. At one stage it was a very bad habit and a shameful one because women with PCOS have irregular cycles by default. Auntie Flow is ALWAYS running late.

So I did a ‘just in case’ home pregnancy test, rather than an ‘addictive’ one. I saw the feintest blue line I have ever seen. It was barely there on the positive side. I weed on another stick just to be sure. Yep. Another feint blue line. After all those years, these were the first positive pregnancy tests I had ever held in my hand. I was crying.

I sent my husband a cryptic SMS. I rang my IVF clinic. Within a few hours I was on progesterone support and a tiny life was being cradled in the arms of God. Ten years after the promise.

When people look at me now, they see a mum of two gorgeous kids,… but there’s a place in my heart that knows the awful pain of barrenness. It’s the place where I wrestled with God and it’s why I, too, have a limp. It’s the place where God struck me because I just wouldn’t let go of Him.

Jacob became angry with Rachel and said, “I can’t take the place of God. He is the one who keeps you from having children.”
Genesis 30:32