Note to self: Calm down, clean up the messy kitchen.
Note to self: Calm down, clean up the messy kitchen.

I have just spent one hour wrestling with my son to gain, if I’m lucky, an hour’s peace while he sleeps. It is the only break I will get until about 9:30pm tonight when both children are settled and the dishes are done. Then I will shower, go to bed and the struggle will begin again. I got four hours sleep last night. The rest of it was spent wrestling with my son and trying to keep him quiet enough so that the rest of the household could get some sleep.

That pretty much sums up the past 2.5 years of my life. So, my apologies if I did not post regular updates on my blog. It has seemed pretty unimportant in the scheme of things. Still does. But at the same time, a few moments of what I term “mummy time” is so utterly precious that posting the occasional blog post feels like a victory. I envy people who have extended family nearby who can babysit, or drive the kids around to this or that. I have struggled to get my son settled at daycare, and it was even more of a battle to get him settled in the Toddlers Room at Church so I could sit through a service. I have been present in the actual Church during the preach on about 3 uninterrupted occasions since Jacob was born in late 2011.

During the past 2.5 years, probably more if you include the harrowing pregnancy, my faith has taken a hammering. As much as I don’t normally question God, there have been times in the past few years where I really have. It hasn’t been so much a question of existence or even his love, it’s been more like  “What are you doing, God? Have you no idea how much we are suffering here? Don’t you care about that? Please don’t forget us God!”.

He always replies with love and encouragement,… but he never really lets me in on his secret. I still don’t know what he is doing or where he is taking me. I have been studying Children’s Services by correspondence during the past year or two. Sure, it would have been easier to just sit at home and play mummy, but frankly I needed something for me. I needed something to make me feel like I was contributing to our future hope of one day getting a home of our own. I needed to feel useful and have something tangible at the end of the day/year – if only rows of text on a TAFE statement of results.

We scrape through on one income, we scrape through on barely enough sleep, we have no breaks,  we both work on assignments with half-closed eyes at 11:00pm hoping one day to have a job/better job. The house is like a bomb site and the thought of a night out alone with my husband seems like a fantasy. So many of the other families I know through school seem to have it all together. Nice homes, pressed shirts, tidy kitchens. I wonder how they do it,… or did they just clean up the kitchen / lounge / dining room last night at midnight so they could have people over today? I wonder if everybody does that, or am I the only one?

In my distress I called to the Lord;
    I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
    my cry came before him, into his ears.
The earth trembled and quaked,
    and the foundations of the mountains shook;
    they trembled because he was angry.
Smoke rose from his nostrils;
    consuming fire came from his mouth,
    burning coals blazed out of it.
He parted the heavens and came down;
    dark clouds were under his feet.
10 He mounted the cherubim and flew;
    he soared on the wings of the wind.
11 He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—
    the dark rain clouds of the sky.
12 Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,
    with hailstones and bolts of lightning.
13 The Lord thundered from heaven;
    the voice of the Most High resounded.[d]
14 He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy,
    with great bolts of lightning he routed them.
15 The valleys of the sea were exposed
    and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, Lord,
    at the blast of breath from your nostrils.

16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
    he drew me out of deep waters.
17 He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
    from my foes, who were too strong for me.
18 They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
    but the Lord was my support.

Psalm 18: 6 – 18