As a Christian, God and I agree on most things in life. That’s been my choice since I was eight years old. During the subsequent 35 or so years, He’s shown me great kindness. It’s just the past few months that I haven’t seen eye to eye with Him. I have not just disagreed with Him lately, I’ve been wild with anger towards Him, crushed with depression. I have cried out to Him and told Him I don’t want these circumstances. I have tried to run away and escape but He keeps blocking my way. The more road blocks I confront, the more trapped I feel I am. It feels like facing up to IVF all over again.
My soul is torn apart. Ripped asunder by disappointment. Hope deferred makes the heart sick (Proverbs 13:12). I find myself not just with hope deferred, I have a sick heart. My heart is longing for freedom and creativity, for open spaces,… but I feel as if I am a horse trapped in a harness in a painful stall with not enough food. Argh!
I don’t know where God is in all of this. I don’t know why we don’t see eye to eye anymore. I realise how petulant I seem when I wonder why His plan won’t come in line with mine. I want to storm out of the room in a huff. There’s a scripture that tells us that God’s purposes are far higher than ours. They are too lofty for us to attain, as King David says in Psalm 139:6. I don’t know what God’s doing,… at all. Never before in my life have I ever been in such a dark despondent place.
But today at Church, I dug deep and found my voice. I looked within to sing praise – even though I didn’t particularly feel joyful. Regardless of the joy I do or don’t feel, I know the faithfulness of God. I know that He cares that I am in pain. I know that He cares that anxiety is eating me up inside in a way that is crushing my spirit. I know that He catches every single tear I have cried,…
But still I see no way out of the pit. I can only wonder about the constant disappointments Joseph felt throughout his life,… and cry those same tears as I look up to the top of the pit I’ve been dumped into and wonder how I might ever get out.
Even as I typed and proof-read this post, my heart is beginning to soften. I know that I can’t outrun God, I can’t sneak around Him, somehow I need to accept that He has placed me where I am for a reason. My relationship with God survived the sudden death of my mother, I don’t want some crappy job to be the undoing of 40 years of faithfulness. When I first got PCOS and thought I had been born in the wrong gendered body, or somehow across genders, it was only God who faithfully stood by me. It was His Word that showed me unconditional love and acceptance. When I battled with years of infertility, and challenges with my gender identity, He was my only friend and He’s one I don’t want to lose.
Once again, I’m hanging in there, hoping that there will come a day soon when God and I see eye to eye.